Holiday Stress in Blended Families

Holiday stress in blended families can feel extra intense in San Diego – warm December sunshine, December Nights in Balboa Park, holiday shopping at UTC or Fashion Valley, and the Hotel del Coronado lights can create beautiful memories and real overstimulation.

Guest Post by Amy Anderson, LCSW
Amy specializes in couples therapy for high-achieving blended families in San Diego and supports step-parents navigating holidays, co-parenting transitions, and family-system stress.

I love working with high-achieving step-parents to optimize expectations and support the delicate (and often complicated) dynamics involved in blending families. The season can bring more than sunshine and celebration – heightened emotions, old wounds, new stressors, and limited capacity for everyone, especially when juggling demanding careers, shared custody schedules, extracurriculars, multiple household needs, and layered family relationship dynamics.

Even in the most loving blended families, the holidays can resurface attachment wounds, loyalty conflicts, transition stress, grief, and unspoken expectations. This is why holiday stress in blended families is so common – and why a plan that prioritizes emotional safety matters. Research consistently shows that blended families often experience more holiday tension – not because they’re dysfunctional, but because they’re managing more complexity.

The good news: With intentional communication and trauma-informed support, blended families can create emotionally safe, secure, and meaningful traditions – even in the midst of the holiday bustle. Below are some of my favorite research-supported tips and “quick wins” for fast-moving, high-achieving blended families here in San Diego.

1) Holiday Stress in Blended Families: Big Emotions During Transitions

This is first for a reason. Many step-parents split time between homes in North County, East County, and Central San Diego. Kids may spend Christmas Eve in one home and Christmas Day in another – often with long drives across the 5, 805, or 15. Transitions are hard on everyone. Transitions are one of the fastest ways holiday stress in blended families shows up.

Research shows transitions can activate anxiety, irritability, and emotional dysregulation in children – especially those navigating:

• Loyalty binds
• Changes in routine
• Attachment insecurity
• Past trauma
• Sensory overload and holiday chaos (and, for some families, neurodiversity-related considerations)

Even a simple drive from La Jolla to South Park can include tears, silence, or overwhelm.

San Diego-specific regulation tips

If you’re doing a handoff, try to make it soothing and calm – not rushed. Build in a 5-minute pause before, during, or after a transition in a regulating environment, like:

• A quick stop at the beach (Del Mar, Encinitas, Pacific Beach, Ocean Beach, Coronado, Imperial Beach, etc.)
• Mission Bay Park playgrounds
• The lawns near Liberty Station
• Kate Sessions Park (with a calming view)

Let kids regulate before entering the next environment. Predicting transition stress ahead of time helps adults regulate too – so you can show up more present and authentic.

2) Holiday Stress in Blended Families: Predictability Over Perfection

San Diego high-achievers, military families, tech professionals, healthcare providers, educators, entrepreneurs, often pride themselves on creating the “perfect” holiday (because time off is sacred). But research shows kids need predictability, not perfection.

What you can predict

• Who’s hosting
• Where kids will sleep
• Which days are with which parent
• Which traditions stay the same

What you can’t predict

• Children’s emotions
• The co-parent’s mood
• Traffic, flight delays, unexpected stressors
• Family members’ mental health and responses
• Weather (yes, even San Diego can surprise you)

Tip: Make a simple “Holiday Plan” with your kids so they have a sense of mastery and autonomy. Even one small choice helps: the meal, the outfit, one tradition, one event. Some kids love drawing plans or using a calendar. This is especially helpful for anxious kids and for neurodivergent families.

Examples:

• “On Christmas Eve, we’ll be at Dad’s in Rancho Bernardo.”
• “On Christmas Day, we’ll be at Mom’s in Pacific Beach.”
• “On Saturday, we’ll see the lights at the Del.”

Predictability reassures the nervous system and reduces blended-family conflict.

3) Blended Family Holiday Traditions: Old and New

This can be hard when there is trauma, grief, or pain associated with the past. Traditions can bring up big feelings, and it helps to plan for equitability and emotional reality.

San Diego families also have uniquely beautiful holiday traditions, like:

• Ice skating at Hotel del Coronado
• Oceanside Harbor Parade of Lights
• San Diego Zoo Jungle Bells
• December Nights at Balboa Park
• Christmas Card Lane in Rancho Peñasquitos
• Boat parades in Mission Bay or the Embarcadero

Kids often feel grounded when some traditions remain – even after divorce or remarriage. Research suggests preserving at least one tradition from each biological parent can help with emotional adjustment.

Then, you can slowly layer in new blended traditions:

• Christmas Eve sunset at Windansea Beach
• A family hike at Torrey Pines on New Year’s morning
• Hot cocoa walks around Old Town
• Cooking tamales or holiday meals together

Traditions are about connection – not forcing everyone to feel “blended” before they’re ready. Go slow.

4) Holiday Stress in Blended Families: Avoid Over-Functioning

High-achieving step-parents often take on too much- especially when juggling grief, burnout, trauma, and the mental load of a complex family system.

Over-functioning can look like:

• Managing all schedules
• Coordinating gifts and activities for both homes
• Trying to be the “peacekeeper” for all parties
• Absorbing emotional tension
• Attempting to ensure “no drama” (even when that’s impossible)

Research is clear: over-functioning burns out the helper and increases resentment.

Healthy boundary tip

With your partner, divide responsibilities into three columns:

• You handle
• They handle
• We handle together

And don’t forget the most important fourth column:

4) We are NOT doing this this year.

Protect your energy. You need it. The kids need it. Everyone does.

5) Have Weekly Holiday “Huddles” With Your Partner

This may seem extra, but in blended families, couples often disagree about:

• How much to spend
• How many events to attend
• How to navigate ex-partners and extended family
• Gift expectations
• Rules for screen time and sugar
• Discipline
• How to handle meltdowns

San Diego schedules are chaotic enough with traffic, school events, work demands, and extracurriculars. A weekly (or even 15-minute) huddle can change everything.

Questions to review together:

• What felt overwhelming this week?
• What’s coming up that needs planning?
• Where do we need boundaries?
• How are the kids actually coping?
• How can we support each other more?
• How can we meaningfully connect?

This builds emotional intimacy and reduces conflict – essential for blended families.

6) Don’t Take Kids’ Resistance Personally

Step-parents often expect warmth or appreciation quickly – especially when they’ve invested time, energy, and care. But research suggests it can take years for a blended family system to fully integrate.

Kids may:

• Withdraw
• Test boundaries
• Compare homes
• Resist new traditions
• Grieve the old family structure
• Struggle with loyalty binds

This is normal. Kids’ behavior is rarely about the step-parent personally. It’s usually about transitions, grief, development, or stress. Your consistency, not immediate closeness, builds trust over time.

7) Build New Traditions Slowly and Organically

Some San Diego-inspired traditions that can build closeness:

• Christmas morning beach walk in Carlsbad or Coronado
• Hot chocolate + holiday movies after an outdoor day
• Cooking tamales as a family
• Annual visit to the Del’s holiday lights
• A family hike (Iron Mountain or Cowles)
• Watching the Parade of Lights on the Embarcadero
• Board games at home during the rare rainy weekend

Small, simple moments create lasting memories and emotional safety.

8) Holiday Stress in Blended Families: Regulate Your Nervous System

Use what San Diego gives you: nature, ocean air, outdoor movement, and light.

Ideas:

• Beach grounding
• Walks at Mission Bay
• Yoga at Sunset Cliffs
• Deep breathing while watching the waves
• Mindful hikes at Torrey Pines
• Quiet sunrise moments in Cardiff or La Jolla

A regulated adult is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer a child. Your regulation becomes the anchor for the entire blended family system.

Final Thoughts: Blended Families Thrive With Compassion

Blending a family takes patience, collaboration, emotional awareness, and self-regulation. You don’t need:

• The perfect holiday
• The perfect kids
• A perfect co-parenting situation
• Instant closeness

You do need:

• Clarity
• Boundaries
• Flexibility
• Emotional presence
• Teamwork with your partner
• A willingness to grow over time

The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is connection, safety, and authenticity, especially during a season that can stretch everyone’s capacity.

San Diego offers a beautiful backdrop for healing, connection, and creating new memories – sun, ocean, nature, warmth, and the chance to build traditions that feel uniquely yours. With clarity, boundaries, and regulation, holiday stress in blended families can soften – and connection can become the focus.

Support for the Season

Blended families navigate a unique mix of relational and individual stressors during the holidays. Couples therapy can be a powerful layer of support for strengthening communication, navigating loyalty conflicts, and building shared traditions—especially in complex family systems. Many clinicians, including Amy, specialize deeply in this work.

For individuals who notice perfectionism, people-pleasing, burnout, or over-functioning patterns surfacing during this season, individual therapy can be a meaningful complement to couples work—particularly when one partner wants dedicated space to shift personal patterns and show up with more presence and steadiness in the relationship.

If you’re exploring couples therapy, Amy is an excellent clinician to connect with. If you’re noticing perfectionism-driven relational patterns you want to explore individually, our team at Elevé Therapy & Co frequently partners with couples therapists as a trusted referral for personalized individual work.