How to Control Your Emotions (and Why You Don’t Have To)

If You’ve Ever Wondered How to Control Your Emotions

If you’ve ever wondered how to control your emotions — or felt frustrated when you can’t — you’re not alone. Last week at the beach, I witnessed a moment that perfectly captured how our feelings don’t always follow the rules we try to give them.

A father was playing catch with his two little boys. The sun was warm, laughter floated across the sand, and everything seemed perfect… until the younger boy, maybe three, started to cry.

“No crying! You’re a big boy! No crying!”

My heart sank. That little boy will probably hear versions of this phrase hundreds of times. Over time, it teaches children — especially boys — that their feelings are unacceptable, that tears are weakness, and that to be “big” means controlling their emotions.

The Messages We Internalize About Emotions

“Big Boys Don’t Cry” and Other Myths We Grew Up With

Sound familiar? Most of us were told in some way or another that feelings are bad or too much:

• On the playground, kids get teased as “cry babies” or “sissies.”
• With friends, we hear: “chill out,” “don’t think about it,” or “toughen up.”
• At home, parents may genuinely think they’re teaching resilience when they say, “Stop crying. Control yourself.”

How Those Messages Stick With Us

The result? Emotions get labeled “wrong,” and shame often follows. Many clients come to therapy saying things like:

• “I should be able to control my emotions.”
• “Why can’t I stop overthinking?”
• “I hate that I cry so easily.”

The shame builds on top of the uncomfortable feeling itself — a double whammy.

Why Controlling Emotions Doesn’t Work

Common Questions We Ask About Managing Emotions

“Why can’t I control my feelings?”

“How do I stop negative thoughts?”

“How do I stop crying so much?”

If this sounds familiar, welcome to being human.

The Happiness Trap and the Myth of Control

Russ Harris, in The Happiness Trap, explains one of the most common myths about mental health: we should be able to control our thoughts and feelings.

Here’s the truth: trying to control your emotions often backfires. Anxiety grows louder, sadness lingers, intrusive thoughts boomerang. And when control fails? Shame shows up too.

For more science-backed info, see the APA’s guide on emotional regulation.

How to Control Your Emotions Without Shame

Acceptance vs. Control

Here’s the good news: you don’t have to keep fighting your feelings. Instead of trying to control them, practice acceptance.

At Elevé Therapy & Co in San Diego, we use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help clients relate differently to their emotions. ACT encourages clients to clarify their core values and learn how to embrace certain thoughts and feelings without judging them. By accepting “negative experiences” (instead of resisting or suppressing them), these feelings tend to have less power over your well-being.

Our therapists implement ACT to help clients break free from the cycle of self-criticism and perfectionism by cultivating mindfulness and teaching you to live in alignment with your deepest values — even in the face of fear or uncertainty.

Practical Ways to Notice and Accept Your Emotions

Choose your actions: You don’t control the feeling, but you do control what you do next.

Notice them: “I’m feeling anxious right now.” Naming emotions takes the edge off.

Get curious: Emotions are signals. Anxiety might mean you care about an outcome. Sadness might mean you lost something important.

Give them space: Emotions, like waves, rise and fall. Let them move through you.

Replacing Old Messages

Instead of “No crying!” imagine saying to yourself:

• “It’s okay to feel sad.”
• “I’m here with you.”
• “Your feelings matter.”

Even if you didn’t hear messages like this growing up, it’s never too late to start practicing them now

Your Questions About How to Control Your Emotions

Is it possible to control your emotions?
Not really — at least not long-term. You can distract yourself or push feelings down for a little while, but emotions always find a way back.

Why do I feel ashamed of my emotions?
Many of us grew up hearing messages like “don’t cry” or “toughen up.” Over time, those messages create shame whenever feelings show up.

What should I do instead of controlling my feelings?
Practice acceptance. Notice your emotions, name them, and make room for them. In ACT therapy, we teach clients how to let emotions be present without letting them take over.

Can therapy help me with emotional regulation?
Yes! Therapy can help you unlearn old messages, reduce shame, and build healthier ways to handle emotions — especially if you’ve been stuck in the cycle of trying to control them.

Final Thought

Your emotions aren’t flaws to fix — they’re signals, data, and part of what makes you human. You don’t need to control them to live a meaningful, balanced life.