Dating With Anxiety: What to Do & What Not To

As a practicing Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and founder of a modern therapy practice, I have extensive experience working with Millennials and Gen Z in navigating the modern dating world and developing nourishing and satisfying romantic and intimate relationships. Going on dates can pose many challenges for already anxious-prone individuals. Additionally, the reality of modern dating can become an anxiety-provoking experience for those who do not have prior experience with anxiety. Most people feel some level of nervousness with a new person because it requires us to be honest and vulnerable and share parts of ourselves. Individuals who experience anxiety while meeting a new potential boyfriend or girlfriend can begin noticing significant distress that makes meeting new people difficult to enjoy or tolerate or in extreme cases causes is avoided altogether as a way to cope.

Although not necessarily a formal mental health diagnosis, individuals experiencing anxiety when finding a partner may exhibit physical symptoms such as sweating and rapid heart rate. They often experience negative thought rumination related to fears of embarrassment or rejection. The good news, there are ways to manage and I am here to share what to do and what not to be afraid to do in terms of coping with with your anxiety so you can experience more excitement again. Remember, the opportunity to meet new and interesting people is supposed to be fun and exciting!

Why am I scared of dating?

There are many reasons people face anxiety when meeting someone new, including negative past relationship experiences as well as certain anxiety disorders, such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Social Anxiety. However, being able to understand what is the potential cause of your own anxiety when dating someone new will help you begin the path to feeling more confident and ready to make new romantic connections in life.

Social Anxiety

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is a formal mental health diagnosis that can cause individuals to avoid social situations and meeting new people due to fear of being perceived negatively or rejected by others. The prospect of meeting a potential match brings up the very thing they are scared of – being seen and evaluated.

Fear of Rejection

Individuals with rejection sensitivity are biased towards assuming others are more likely to judge them negatively than positively. Evaluation is an inherent part of getting to know a relationship with someone new and we have to evaluate the person we are meeting for many things like shared values, lifestyle, hobbies, interests, character to name a few to determine if they may be a good match. Additionally, those who hold unhealthy cognitions about the importance of their appearance may also be highly sensitive to the idea and fear of being judged and rejected based on their appearance. The fear of getting your heart broken can cause fear in putting oneself out there in a vulnerable and honest way.

Attachment Style

Attachment theory suggests that the way we relate to others and the level of anxiety or closeness we are able to tolerate in close relationships is influenced by our early experiences in relationships with caregivers. There are typically four main attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant and knowing which one you happen to fall into can bring insight into your patterns in relationships.

Low Self-Esteem

Individuals struggling with low self-esteem may rely heavily on external validation from others to feel worthy or lovable, which makes them particularly sensitive to perceived hurt or rejection meeting new people, increasing anxiety about their self-worth and desirability in relationships. There may be a high level of avoidance behaviors to protect oneself from potential future hurt, rejection or disappointment in relationships, which can result in increased loneliness or feelings of inadequacy.

How to get over dating anxiety

Now that we’ve discussed some common causes of experiencing anxiety with forming new romantic relationships and falling in love again, you may wonder if it is possible for you to experience freedom from these struggles and find yourself falling in love again. Overcoming this is possible and can be a gradual process. Let’s discuss strategies you can take.

Identify Triggers

Be mindful to what point specific situations, feelings or thoughts tend to trigger your anxiety. By identifying these triggers, you can plan ahead for best ways to cope before anxiety reaches a high level.

Set Boundaries

I’m always encouraging my clients to let the apps work for them, not against them. This means setting time limits spent on the apps, determining your personal values and non-negotiables, and communicating this to potential partners. It’s key to actually follow through with this step in order to remain in control of your stress levels and self care and be on the same page as the other person.

Manage Expectations

Setting realistic relationship expectations can be helpful in managing your perspective of how well it is going. Meeting new potential partners brings uncertainty and risk and not every date will lead to a relationship or a deep and meaningful connection. Sometimes the other person may not know how to communicate and leave you hanging. It’s important to keep this in perspective so you can remain grounded and aware of how easy your negative thought patterns can seep in and knock you off course.

Build Self Esteem & Self Acceptance

People feel comfortable around others who are secure feeling happy with themselves. Think of the spaces and relationships where you feel most at ease or confident – it’s likely a hobbies or interest. Invest in these to help you continually improve and find acceptance for who you are as an amazing individual.

Challenge Worry Thoughts

Be mindful of when you are experiencing worry or catastrophic thoughts and begin challenging them and replacing them with more realistic and positive ones. If you tend to think “I am afraid i’ll never find a partner or someone who likes me,” challenge that thought by talking or reminding yourself of past relationships successes or qualities that make you a desirable friend or partner to have.

What to avoid when trying to overcome dating anxiety

There’s certain thought patterns and behaviors to be mindful of not engaging in when you are on the journey to managing your fear and anxiety of falling in love. Let’s get into some of them.

Don’t ignore the red flags.

Sometimes feeling anxiety makes us more perceptive and intuitive to actual or perceived threat, and in this case I’m referring to the idea of ‘red flags’. I encourage my clients to assess the validity of what they are observing with a new person when they are more grounded and in a calm state of mind. If you are finding something gives you the wrong feeling it may just be a red flag you should consider in relation to your boundaries in relationships and to not force it.

Don’t compare your path to someone else’s.

Our brain likes to compare like things so it’s normal to begin comparing your path to the lives of your friends or people whose lives you may see on social media. When friends are hitting major ‘mile stones’ like getting married or starting a family it can be easy for you to begin feeling negatively if you are not measuring up. It’s important to keep in mind that every person’s journey is unique and there are many variables.

Don’t overanalyze every interaction.

It can be tempting to overanalyze each date or interaction but this will only serve to reinforce the cycle of anxiety. Put boundaries on yourself in any reassurance seeking or advice seeking from friends or family your life as well as this can reinforce anxiety and limit your ability to trust yourself in these situations. Your text message last night was probably fine and the person you are texting probably didn’t have any underlying meaning behind the point of what they were saying.

A therapist’s perspective on dating anxiety

Our team of compassionate therapists are dedicated to helping our clients conquer self doubt, fear from past experiences that are impeding their ability to find the right person that will bring them happiness. When clients come to see us we identify the negative thoughts and limiting beliefs surrounding falling in love and equip our clients with the right coping tools and thought challenging techniques. When our clients can begin stepping into situations they once avoided due to their fear and anxiety they can test their skills and grow their confidence in their ability to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings. You deserve to find love.

Get the expert support you need to overcome anxiety about dating for good.

Our San Diego Anxiety therapists are here to help and support you if you are experiencing fear of getting in a new relationship. At Erica Basso Therapy we offer an approach that is non-judgmental and down-to-earth. Through therapy sessions we help our clients make sense of your feelings and what needs to change, recognize your unique resources and strengths to do so, and learn evidence-based tools for lasting change. If you’re in San Diego, Los Angeles, or anywhere in the state of California contact us for a complimentary phone consultation to determine if we may be the right fit for your healing journey.